Talking about sex and STIs may seem scary, but it helps you take charge of your sexual health.

Talking About STIs

Do I actually have to talk to my doctor about sex?

Yes! But it’s not as awkward as you probably think. Even though our society has some hang-ups about sex, it’s actually a super normal part of life. Your health care provider’s job is to support you so you can be the healthiest version of yourself—and an important part of that is being sexually healthy. Your provider needs to know if you’re sexually active so they know whether and how often to test you for STIs and whether to talk about birth control, safer sex and healthy relationships. Talking about STIs helps you take charge of your sexual health.

Is it ok to ask my doctor about [insert embarrassing question here]?

Yes! Part of being healthy is understanding your body and how to take care of yourself. Your health care provider wants you to ask any questions you have. They answer questions like yours every day.

How can I tell current or past partners that I may have given them an STI?

You can find more info on talking about your HIV status here.

Telling someone that you might have given them an STI can be really hard. The negative stereotypes (or stigma) about people with STIs can create feelings of shame and embarrassment. Remember that anyone can get an STI, and they’re actually quite common. Having an STI says nothing about who you are as a person.

It may be harder to talk about STIs if you don’t know your partner very well, or telling them means confronting a change in your relationship—for example, that you or your partner had sex with someone outside of the relationship.

Here are some tips for how to tell someone that you may have given them an STI:

  • Beforehand, educate yourself about the STI and how it’s treated. Giving your partner factual information dispels any myths they may have heard. Consider giving them a pamphlet or website where they can learn more. You can ask your doctor for this information at your visit.
  • Your physician will also provide you with a partner(s) letter, which you can use to tell your partner about your STI. This letter will specify what STI you were treated for and which medication was used. It will have a list of various clinics where your partner can get tested.
  • Plan out a bit of what you’re going to say. This may help you feel more confident.
  • Talk to them in person if possible. It may feel easier to text or talk on the phone, but this can lead to misunderstandings.
  • Choose a private place, where neither of you will be worried about others overhearing.
  • Talk to them when they’re not in a rush or a bad mood, and have not taken any drugs or alcohol.
  • Be direct and honest.
  • They may be upset at first. Acknowledge how they’re feeling, and redirect the conversation to the facts. Remind them that STIs are common, and nothing to be ashamed of.
  • However, it is NOT ok for them to call you names or make you feel bad about yourself. You deserve respect.
  • No matter how they react, you should feel proud of yourself for being honest and talking about STIs!
  • Even though it may feel uncomfortable, it’s important to tell your partner that they need to get tested for an STI. Untreated STIs can have serious health consequences down the line if they’re not diagnosed and treated.
  • Ultimately, it is your decision whether to disclose your STI status. However, there are laws about disclosing HIV. You can learn more about them

Be safe when you tell them

If you think your partner may become violent, aggressive, or threatening, talk to them in a public or semi-public place. This way, you have an easy out if you need to leave, and there are other people around who can help. Consider using an anonymous STI notification service like Don’t Spread It, which sends your partner an email or text message that they should get tested. If you have HIV, your health care provider or local health department can anonymously notify your partners.

You can call Love is Respect’s teen dating violence hotline at 1-866-331-8453, or chat online or text on their website, if you’re concerned your relationship is unhealthy or you are afraid for your safety.

For more info about talking about STIs, you can check out The STD Project.

How do I tell future partners that I have an STI?

If your STI has been cured and your health care provider says that it’s safe to have sex, you don’t need to tell new partners about the STI. However, if you have sex before the STI is cured or have an incurable STI like herpes or HIV, you should tell partners about your STI status before having sex.

We know this can be uncomfortable and scary. Here are some tips for telling a partner that you have an STI.

  • Beforehand, educate yourself about the STI—especially how to prevent spreading it. Giving your partner factual information dispels any myths they may have heard. Consider giving them a pamphlet or website where they can learn more.
  • Plan out a bit of what you’re going to say. This may help you feel more confident.
  • Talk to them in person if possible. It may feel easier to text or talk on the phone, but this can lead to misunderstandings.
  • Choose a private place, where neither of you will worry about others overhearing.
  • Talk to them when they’re not in a rush, distracted, or have taken any drugs or alcohol. This means you should NOT wait until you’re about to have sex.
  • Be direct and honest, but don’t make it into a bigger deal than it is. You don’t have to start the conversation with, “I have something big I need to tell you.” You can just say, “Before we have sex, you should know I have [insert STI here].”
  • Remember that you don’t need to give them personal details about your life. They are not entitled to know how you got the STI, or from who.
  • Don’t apologize! There’s no reason to feel bad about having an STI. Plus, you are doing a brave and good thing by being honest about your STI status.
  • They may need some time to process what you’ve told them or do their own research so they know what risks they’re taking. Remember that their reaction isn’t personal.

You deserve respect

Ultimately, you can’t control how your partner reacts. Remember that having an STI does NOT make you unlovable. You deserve respect. It is NOT ok for anyone to call you names or make you feel bad about having an STI. If your partner does these things, think hard about whether you want a relationship (or even a one night stand) with this person.

This information is not intended to provide medical advice, professional diagnosis, opinion, treatment or services, only general information for education purposes only.